How to be more disagreeable

Being willing to advocate for yourself, set boundaries, and be comfortable with conflict will make you a more successful person.

When someone describes you as “disagreeable”, it’s rarely meant as a compliment. Most of us are taught to be polite, cooperative, and considerate of other people’s feelings, which are all good things. But it’s also possible to sabotage your own success by being too nice. Some studies have even shown that being more disagreeable is correlated with higher lifetime earnings. I want to look at what we can learn from these disagreeable people, and if it’s worth being more like them.

This is not supposed to be anyone in particular, I just had ChatGPT generate an image of a generic “disagreeable person”.

Instead of thinking of agreeableness/disagreeableness as a fixed personality trait, I see it as an inclination towards learning certain skills and falling into certain traps.

• Highly agreeable people tend to be kind, helpful, and willing to cooperate with others. But they can also fall into the traps of being people-pleasers and avoiding conflict instead of resolving it.

• People who are more disagreeable have an easier time setting boundaries, advocating for themselves, and being comfortable with conflict. But they may come across as self-centered, antagonistic, and difficult to get along with.

But even if you’re naturally more inclined towards one side, you still need to master both sets of skills and avoid both sets of pitfalls if you want to be successful. I have a much easier time being agreeable, and so I’m going to focus on writing about the second set of skills, which have taken a more deliberate effort to learn (and which I’m still working on!)

You might disagree with how I’m using the word “disagreeable”. Maybe you’d prefer that I used the word “assertive”. I don’t know about you, but when I hear someone say “be assertive!”, it sounds like criticism disguised as advice, and it immediately makes me feel defensive. But if they were to say “be more disagreeable!” then that touches my inner mischief-maker in a way that makes the advice easier to accept. So I’m keeping the language that works better for me.

What can I do to be a more disagreeable person?

Being disagreeable has its advantages. Here are a few that I came up with:

• When you don’t feel the need for social approval, you’re more likely to think independently and challenge established norms.

• Being willing to advocate for yourself makes it more likely to achieve a higher salary or promotion.

• Being honest and direct leads to clearer communication (at the risk of making people defensive).

• Being good at setting boundaries helps you avoid burnout and manipulation.

• Being willing to disagree helps you avoid groupthink, i.e., bad decision-making that happens when you care more about conforming to the group than about critical thinking.

If you think that these skills are worth learning, but you’re like me and you don’t have a natural inclination towards them, then here is some advice that I’ve found helpful:

• Reframe your mindset. Instead of viewing self-advocacy as selfish or aggressive, see it as providing valuable information. When you clearly communicate your needs, you’re helping others understand how to work with you effectively.

• Figure out how you want to be treated, then set clear boundaries and consistently reinforce them through your actions and words. By standing up for yourself, you’re teaching others how to treat you.

• Deliberately practice saying no to things, standing up for yourself on little things, setting boundaries, and sharing opinions that you know others will disagree with.

• Practice being rejected. I keep seeing the advice (here and here) that it’s not enough to do things that might fail, you have to actually fail and be rejected enough times that you learn to stop taking it personally. (This is one I’m still working on.)

• One of my upcoming posts is about “how to disagree”. It’s possible to disagree without being antagonistic. The secret is to be good at listening and genuinely trying to understand where the other person is coming from. As Steven Covey puts it, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

• Remember that being willing to disagree with people demonstrates your confidence and competence, and it can actually increase the respect people have for you.

But don’t take it too far

This is definitely a situation where the law of equal and opposite advice applies: for every person that needs the advice I gave above, there’s another person who needs to hear the exact opposite.

• If you disagree with someone about something trivial, there’s no need to make an issue of it. Just let it go. Even on important issues it’s okay to agree to disagree, especially if the only alternative is to poison the relationship and drive that person away.

• Be a team player, be polite, show respect even when you disagree, and focus on solving problems instead of winning arguments.

• If you do disagree with people regularly, then it’s really really helpful to learn how to disagree gracefully. Use “I” statements, listen to their perspective, and never gloat when they change their mind.

Conclusion

The idea that we should be more disagreeable is sort of tongue-in-cheek. I don’t actually think people should be rude or selfish or argumentative. It’s just that, for me, there are some skills that don’t come naturally because of my inclination to preserve social harmony, but I think these skills are vital for being an effective member of society. Learning to be comfortable with conflict and willing to advocate for yourself leads to a more productive and fulfilling life. And if it ends up making you more money, then that’s just a bonus!